Here’s another chance to flex your editing muscles. See what refinements you might make in these two paragraphs from an article quoting a Wright brothers authority. The publication will remain anonymous, and we’ll call the authority Smith.
Although neither Albert nor Orville Wright had a college or even a high school degree, they were relatively well educated for that time period, he said. Both attended high school during a time when most people did not, says Smith.
“So compared to the average person on the street they were relatively well educated,” he says. “They had taken the requisite classes in mathematics … and it gave them the technical skills they needed.”
My edits
In the first sentence, we don’t need all of “had a college or even a high school degree”; “had even a high school degree” will suffice. And “time period” is a common fat phrase; just “time” or “period” will do.
The second and third sentences are dripping with fat. Most of what is expressed has been established in the opening sentence. (And note that “average person on the street” is redundant. When we say “guy on the street,” we mean the average person.)
The final sentence is by far the best one, but what is “it”? That refers to “requisite classes,” which is plural, so “it” should be “they” (or “which”).
One other glitch is “said” in the first sentence and “says” in the second and third. Either is fine, but we shouldn’t wobble. We need to pick past tense or present tense for a particular piece and stick with our decision.
New & improved
Although neither Albert nor Orville Wright had even a high school degree, they were relatively well educated for their time, Smith says. Moreover, they had taken the requisite classes in mathematics, which gave them the technical skills they needed.
The edits cut the word count from 73 to 39.
In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.