With the Academy Awards ceremony set for Sunday, let’s continue our refinement of newspaper excerpts with a look at two arts pieces – a movie review and book review. Each excerpt was chosen, in part, because it’s unwieldy, but I don’t want to wear you out by asking you to do a rewrite. Just focus on identifying errors or other problems.
Our guide into the merry mayhem is Eddie Mannix (Josh Brolin) an all-around fixer for Capitol Pictures (which Coen fans will recognize as the studio in their existential Hollywood comedy, “Barton Fink.”)
We have a blur of elements in this sentence, complicated by two sets of parentheses, and a tiny error at the end. Let’s take the refinements in stages:
A) To enhance clarity, we’ll put “fixer” next to the character, Mannix, not the actor, Brolin.
B) By rewording to “Josh Brolin as Eddie Mannix, an all-around fixer,” we’ve eliminated the first set of parentheses.
C) Let’s help the reader by turning one rambling sentence into two that are more coherent. We’ll put a period after “Capitol Pictures.”
D) We can help the reader again by eliminating “their,” which takes a moment to decipher because it’s closer to “fans” than “Coen,” but “their” refers to the Coen brothers.
E) By starting a new sentence in the middle, we also correct the punctuation error at the end. A period goes inside a parenthesis only when the parenthetical statement is a complete sentence (beginning with a capital letter).
We wind up with this: Our guide into the merry mayhem is Josh Brolin as Eddie Mannix, an all-around fixer for Capitol Pictures. (Coen fans will recognize Capitol as the brothers’ studio in their existential Hollywood comedy, “Barton Fink.”)
The easier, second sentence
The book is a delicious mix of well-researched facts, creative plot twists and a likable main character who deftly walks the line between someone who you can relate to as she helps her daughter search through dirty laundry for a team jersey and someone whose mind is a mystery even to herself.
A) Again, let’s reduce the reader’s misery by making this two sentences. We’ll put a period after “main character” and start the next sentence with “She.”
B) Note two problems with “who” in “who you can relate to.” One is that it should be “whom” (object of the preposition “to”). But we don’t even have to deal with the taxing “who” vs. “whom” issue because we can just delete “who.” It isn’t needed.
Our new and improved version: The book is a delicious mix of well-researched facts, creative plot twists and a likable main character. She deftly walks the line between someone you can relate to as she helps her daughter search through dirty laundry for a team jersey and someone whose mind is a mystery even to herself.
In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.