Making Subject Lines Pay Off

Posted on November 5, 2015 by Norm Friedman

17123251389_bed3c3a1ba_z

Last week (http://www.normfriedman.com/blog/scary-emails/), we talked about common failings in email correspondence. This week, as promised, we’ll home in on an area where many emailers can easily enhance their skills: the composition of subject lines.

Do you allocate a few seconds to creating a pointed subject line that will go a long way in helping your reader grasp why you are writing, or do you mainly focus on the message? Trick question! I say the subject line is a crucial, interwoven part of your message. Let’s illustrate.

The situation

You work for a community organization that generally draws 75–100 people to its annual meeting, traditionally held at the public library. Invitations have gone out, and you’ve noticed that the number of early RSVPs is much more robust than usual. You want to alert your executive director and your annual meeting chair that the library might not be able to accommodate this year’s crowd. When you alert the two of them to the likely need to change the location, what is the subject of your email?

Typical subject lines

Perhaps because we received no instruction in effective emailing when we were in school, most subject lines fall far short of what we could convey in that commanding space:
Annual meeting
Nov. 22 meeting
Annual meeting RSVPs

Subject lines that pay off

Are any of those lead-ins awful? Not at all. But they’re not as valuable as they could be. How about these?
RSVPs nearing library capacity
Need Nov. 22 venue change?
Annual meeting location: Plan B

You might have thought of a better subject line, but the point is that these immediately put our readers on board. Now the email has a thesis statement. Back in school, letting the reader know right away where we were going was sound practice on an essay, and it’s a sure way to score today with our email recipents.

Two bonus payoffs

But as they say in infomercials, “And wait! There’s more.” Once we’ve taken a few extra moments to compose a truly relevant subject line, we can proceed to the message section with far greater efficiency.

So our one-two punch might look like this:
RSVPs nearing library capacity
With 60 annual meeting reservations already in, I’ve tentatively cleared three potential alternatives (below) in case we need to change our site. When do you have time for a conference call tomorrow to discuss Plan B possibilities and next steps?

Moreover, front-loading the process – thinking briefly about the “thesis statement” before rushing to compose the message – brings more focus to the writing process. We aren’t making as many decisions about the thrust of the message as we write because we already solved a lot of that in determining the subject line.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Scary emails

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Norm Friedman

10664710546_af957137ed_z

Let’s do some ghostbusting today and identify common email failings that can spook our readers. Identify lack of courtesy or efficiency in the following exchange.

Hazel Witch                                                                                       Today at 9:26 AM
To: Frank N. Stein
Sales
You said you’d get me September sales figures by yesterday. I need them ASAP!

Frank N. Stein                                                                                   Today at 9:37 AM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
Hi, Hazel. I had everything I needed yesterday except Igor’s figures for Ohio. You can start with the attached numbers, and I’ll fill in the blanks as soon as I track him down.
Frank

Frank N. Stein                                                                                   Today at 11:47 AM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
Hi again. Igor’s numbers are attached, but he said they’re approximate.

Hazel Witch                                                                                       Today at 2:52 PM
To: Frank N. Stein
Re: Sales
I went with the approximate numbers. Thanks.

Frank N. Stein                                                                                   Today at 2:54 PM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
No problem.

We can do better

I think we’d all rather work with Frank than Hazel, but let’s analyze how each did.

Sales
You said you’d get me September sales figures by yesterday. I need them ASAP!
1. Hazel’s subject line is lazy. She and Frank probably communicate about sales all the time, so a more pointed subject line would be helpful. Maybe “Still looking for Sept. data.”
2. She did not greet Frank with “Hi” or “Good morning.”
3. She opened with heavy artillery, referring to Frank’s original promise, which he is likely well aware of. Focusing on her expectation for today would be more constructive.
4. We need to use “ASAP” (especially with an exclamation point) with discretion – or not at all. It can sound overly demanding, and it’s not specific. Maybe “Please get me the stats by noon.”
5. Hazel didn’t sign her email, adding to the curtness.

Hi, Hazel. I had everything I needed yesterday except Igor’s figures for Ohio. You can start with the attached numbers, and I’ll fill in the blanks as soon as I track him down.
1. Frank is more pleasant and professional, but he might have volunteered that yesterday he should have sent whatever he had.
2. Mentioning Igor by name might be entirely appropriate or inappropriate, depending on the relationships. We need to think twice about identifying the cause of a delay.
(3. Hazel never bothered to acknowledge this email.)

Hi again. Igor’s numbers are attached, but he said they’re approximate.
Frank should let Hazel know if and when he’ll get Igor’s precise numbers. Hazel needs to know how to proceed.

I went with the approximate numbers. Thanks.
At least Hazel finally showed some etiquette with “Thanks,” but she needs to sum up. Does she still want Igor’s figures? If so, by when?

No problem.
Drum roll, please. Frank, the good guy in this two-character play, knee-jerked his final email with a ludicrous response. “No problem”? Really? It would seem he encountered plenty of problems. So we have two lessons here:
1. The courteous reply to “Thanks” is “You’re welcome.” (Reserve “No problem” for its literal use, such as when you do someone a favor but performing the task was no big deal.)
2. Rather than knee-jerk “You’re welcome” or “No problem,” consider whether you should say something more germane to the situation. Frank could have written, “I hope you met your objectives despite the delay.”

Sneak preview

Next week, we’ll talk more about subject lines.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Whiskers II

Posted on October 22, 2015 by Norm Friedman

5325339842_3085db5a0c_z

Two weeks ago (http://www.normfriedman.com/blog/the-whisker-metaphor/), I introduced a cat’s whiskers as another metaphor for the warning system each of us should continually be expanding to refine our writing. This time, instead of focusing on correctness, let’s concentrate on conciseness.

As you work on shortening the following sentences, you’ll find inefficiencies that crop up often.

Writing long

1. Due to the fact that the new budget isn’t ready, we’ll refer to last year’s budget.
2. This calendar is being provided in an effort to reduce scheduling conflicts.
3. Let’s send out the draft today in order to get everyone’s input by Friday.
4. We are distributing a questionnaire for the purpose of assessing volunteer satisfaction.
5. I’d like to see you in regard to your new recycling initiative.

Writing economically

  1. Due to the fact that the new budget isn’t ready, we’ll refer to last year’s budget. Watch out for the fat phrase “due to the fact that.” Use “because” (one word instead of five). Also note that the repetition of a word (“budget”) should grab our attention. Here, you could end with just “last year’s”: Because the new budget isn’t ready, we’ll refer to last year’s.
  2. This calendar is being provided in an effort to reduce scheduling conflicts. “In an effort to” should go on your hit list because it’s a roundabout way of saying “to.” But we can do even better than deleting “in an effort” because words like “provide,” “providing,” and “provision” can often be eliminated: This calendar should reduce scheduling conflicts.
  3. Let’s send out the draft today in order to get everyone’s input by Friday. “In order to” is widely accepted, but it’s fat. All we need is “to.” Also, “send” doesn’t need “out,” so we wind up with the following: Let’s send the draft today to get everyone’s input by Friday.
  4. We are distributing a questionnaire for the purpose of assessing volunteer satisfaction. “To” can displace “for the purpose of,” and then we can change “of assessing” to “assess”: We are distributing a questionnaire to assess volunteer satisfaction.
  5. I’d like to see you in regard to your new recycling initiative. “In regard to” can be shortened to “regarding” or “about.” Now what about “new recycling initiative”? The word “initiative” gets a lot of play, and sometimes we mean that something truly is a first, making “new” redundant, but other times “initiative” is just a fancier way of saying “project” or “objective,” in which case “new” makes some sense. Because we are working on discipline here, let’s pretend the initiative really is groundbreaking: I’d like to see you about your recycling initiative.

Postscript

In school we were often rewarded for writing more because teachers wanted to measure factors like our depth of understanding. In the workplace we earn points with brevity.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Brevity | Leave a comment

The A-List

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Norm Friedman

8362835844_4b99b80127_z

See if you can avoid stumbling on any of these word choices. An A grade awaits.

1. I’m sure you will (appraise/apprise) me if anything changes.
2. A three-person panel (administers/administrates) the review process.
3. We’ve used the same financial (adviser/advisor) for more than 20 years.
4. I still like my solution, but I’m not (adverse/averse) to Amy’s suggestion.
5. I realize there’s something to be said for preserving traditions, but some of our procedures strike me as (archaic/arcane).
6. Call us every few days to let us know you’re (alright/all right).
7. Ask Aaron to tell you his (anecdote/antidote) about speed dating.
8. Annie is an (alumna/alumnus) of UCLA.

The answers

1. Apprise. When we apprise, we inform; when we appraise, we evaluate.
2. Administers is preferred, but administrates is an accepted alternative.
3. Adviser and advisor are both correct. Although we probably see advisor more often, adviser gets the nod from the experts.
4. Averse. This one’s tough because both words relate to opposition. The difference is that adverse describes things (adverse reaction, adverse result, adverse weather) while averse describes an attitude. (If no one is averse to having pizza tonight, lets go to Antonio’s.)
5. Archaic. The implication here is that the procedures are old-fashioned, or archaic. Arcane means mysterious or secret, not old.
6. All right. Although we frequently see alright, it is considered nonstandard.
7. Anecdote. An anecdote is a story – particularly a short or amusing one. An antidote, of course, is a remedy; it counteracts something negative.
8. Alumna. Annie is a female, so she’s an alumna; her brother Arnie is an alumnus. (The plural of alumna is alumnae, and the plural of alumnus is alumni. If you took Latin, you just might remember all this, but an escape hatch is going informal and calling each grad an alum.)

You made the A-Team, right?

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Commonly Confused Words | Leave a comment

The Whisker Metaphor

Posted on October 8, 2015 by Norm Friedman

5325339842_3085db5a0c_z

No, I’m not above pandering, so this week – in addition to targeting folks who care about perfecting their writing – I’m going after the Internet’s cat-crazy crowd. The word that pertains to both groups? “Whiskers.”

In my workshops I use several metaphors to emphasize that a strength of successful writers is an ever-expanding catalog of words and situations that trigger extra care, and one of those metaphors is the warning system that keeps cats out of danger. When they start to enter a narrow space and feel the ends of their whiskers tingling, they back off.

So let’s say you write the following email at work. It communicates clearly enough, but because your recipient is a stickler for quality writing, you reread it. How many times do your whiskers react?

I can’t decide whether or not to tap Debbie for leadership of the Project. She did a very good job last year, but Lou seems like a great option. Whom do you think would be the best choice?

The whisker warning system

I see six triggers here:
1. Whether or not. On occasion we want to add “or not” for emphasis, but generally “or not” is redundant. “Whether” does the job.
2. The capital “P” in Project. Promiscuous capitalization can make writing seem less mature, and here – because we are not giving the formal name of the project – we want lowercase.
3. Very good. As noted in previous posts, “very” often signals that the next word can be improved. We might want something like “excellent” or “superb,” or we might want to specify why Debbie’s handling was outstanding. Maybe she got everyone involved or she kept everyone mindful of the project’s central goals.
4. Option. This one’s a hairsplitter. If we already have expressed one possibility, the additional one is an alternative.
5. Whom. A trick I’ve mentioned to decide between “who” and “whom” is isolating the key words and determining if you’d write “he would be best” or “him would be best.” Clearly, we want “he” (the word without the “m”), so we want “who,” the word without the “m.”
6. Best. Think “good,” “better,” “best.” “Best” is the superlative form, for three or more, but here we are considering two people, so we want the comparative form, “better.”

Whether you think of whiskers, antennae, alarms, or caution lights, the key is committing to continually building your early warning system for those messages that merit added attention. With that asset in hand, you might refine the original email to read something like this:

I can’t decide whether to tap Debbie for leadership of the project. She got everyone involved last year, but Lou seems like a great alternative. Who do you think would be the better choice?

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Brevity, Common Grammar Errors, Commonly Confused Words, Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Paper Cuts II

Posted on October 1, 2015 by Norm Friedman

6277209256_934f20da10_z

As noted last week, observing what newspaper and magazine writers are doing to inform and entertain us can be quite instructive … while catching their occasional errors can bolster our confidence. I know I felt pretty smug when I read about a football team giving a habitually misbehaving player “second chance after second chance after second chance.” (Apparently, the coach sat the player down and said, “Okay, we’re going to give you a fifth second chance.”)

Here are a few more sentences for you to evaluate for clarity, correctness, and conciseness.

Exhibit A

(His) gripes with the city, however, are secondary to the airport’s responsibility to ensure the public that Cleveland Hopkins will be safe to use this winter and that all FAA requirements will be met.

The sentence seems fine except for one surprising error. Although it’s sometimes tough to choose between “ensure” and “insure,” we shouldn’t have any trouble with “ensure” vs. “assure.” Let’s review.

Ensure. This might be the one we learned last as we developed our vocabulary, but it’s probably the one we most frequently use in our writing as adults. It means “make sure.” We need to ensure this won’t happen again. (“Ensure” is often followed by “that.”)

Insure. Although this one doesn’t always pertain to an actual insurance policy, it’s helpful to think of “insure” as taking out insurance. That’s why we often write or say “insure against” (but not always). We need to insure against any unruly interruptions.

Assure. To “assure” is to give confidence, so the recipient of this verb is always a person or persons (unless you have a really smart dog). I assure you I’ll arrive before 6.

So the newspaper editorial erred with “ensure the public.” Obviously, that should have been “assure the public.”

Exhibit B

In recent weeks, Cleveland has been the site for two exciting and cutting-edge events: Content Marketing World and the Cleveland Clinic’s Hackathon. Both have reason to be proud.

The paragraph ends sloppily: “Both have reason to be proud.” What is the antecedent of “both”? We’re talking about two events. Events don’t have feelings. Writing that the organizers of both events have reason to be proud would have been far superior.

Exhibit C

The first-ever Cleveland Medical Hackathon will wrap up today with judging on all the software that was developed during the course of the 24-hour session.

Did you catch the classic fat phrase, “during the course of”? “During” can handle the job by itself.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Brevity, Commonly Confused Words, Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Paper Cuts

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Norm Friedman

6277209256_934f20da10_z

The daily paper serves as a living textbook on writing, but we all know that even the pros slip up once in a while. Here are a few gotchas from the past week.

The sports page

These two sentences appeared in an article on Cleveland Indians shortstop Francisco Lindor’s chances to be voted American League Rookie of the Year. What would you change?

There’s no doubt his play at the plate and in the field have given the Indians a boost since his arrival in June. If his bat remains hot and the Indians fight their way into the playoffs, it would be hard to not reward his strong season.

Refinements

Did you see the error in “his play at the plate and in the field have given”? “Play” is singular and “have” is plural. This is a common error because the intervening words, “at the plate and in the field,” throw us off the scent. We lose track of the need to make the verb agree with the singular noun “play.”

Although the sentence contains only 23 words, it serves as a reminder to take care with long sentences. As sentences stretch out, the likelihood increases that readers will have trouble with comprehension and writers will have trouble with correctness.

My other edit would be in “hard to not reward his strong season.” I’m not a stickler on avoiding split infinitives, but here the phrasing seems awkward. A solution is thinking of a synonym for “not reward” such as “neglect” or “overlook.” So this might be our edited version:

There’s no doubt his play at the plate and in the field has given the Indians a boost since his arrival in June. If his bat remains hot and the Indians fight their way into the playoffs, it would be hard to overlook his strong season.

(At the end you might have also changed the tentative “would” to “will.” I don’t see that as a must, but I’m all for writing with more conviction.)

Dear Abby

This sentence is from a letter seeking advice about how to proceed in a budding relationship at work. What are your edits?

We get along wonderfully, socialize outside of work, and we flirt … a lot.

Refinements

Did you spot two errors? “Outside of” is a useful phrase as a figure of speech meaning “except” or “except for,” but that’s not the intent here, so we need to delete “of.” And we see classic lack of parallel construction in the sentence overall. The first and third elements begin with “we,” but the second piggybacks on the first “we.” So pick your solution:

We get along wonderfully, socialize outside work, and flirt … a lot.
We get along wonderfully, we socialize outside work, and we flirt … a lot.

If you prefer the first one, I agree with you.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Brevity, Common Grammar Errors, Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Don’t Stumble at the Start: The Sequel

Posted on September 17, 2015 by Norm Friedman

False start

In my first post one year ago, I talked about the downsides of starting sentences with “There is” or “There are” (http://www.normfriedman.com/blog/dont-stumble-at-the-start/). Now let’s look at another kind of less-than-optimal opening.

To make my point, I’ll focus on what I thought was a minor shortcoming in an otherwise expertly written fundraising letter I received in June. It began, “Warm weather and sunshine aren’t the only things that inspire our work this summer at the (name of organization).” Why did I save this for three months to share with you?

Reason #1: I wanted an illustration of the many online and print messages that begin with a reference to the season or an approaching holiday. Sure, once in a while the tie-in to the message is compelling, but often the calendar reference comes across as a cliché that only delays getting to the real theme.

Picky, picky reason #2: If you noticed, in this case the false start is also illogical. Warm weather and sunshine are generally perceived as making workers wish they were on vacation, not cooped up indoors meeting deadlines.

How can we do better?

A helpful first step is recognizing that because many of us have trouble getting started on an important writing task we reach for a crutch. We grasp an easy entry point like the weather or a holiday and then see if we can fuse that opening to what we truly want to say.

For a better approach, here are a few suggestions:
• Don’t begin by writing. Begin by brainstorming for a few minutes on scrap paper or a computer screen to generate ideas. Roughly organize the ideas and then start writing. Usually any need for a false start disappears.
• If you do want to begin with a metaphor, consider something in the news or pop culture. Or consider opening with a personal experience or observation you can keep short. Readers like anecdotes and insights a lot more than needless reminders of what month we’re in.
• Imagine a title for the message even if it won’t have one. That phrasing will likely lead to a highly focused opening sentence that will help propel the rest of the piece.***

So if you want to start your next important message with descriptions of radiant, multicolored leaves and the crackle of acorns crunching underfoot, be my guest. Just know that you will not be alone in conjuring a splendid autumnal scene.

*** Many monthly or quarterly articles by leaders are headlined “Message from the President” or humdrum words to that effect. If you are involved in creating that kind of piece, consider putting the obligatory “Message from the President” title in a smaller font and using a larger font for a “real” title that will pull in the reader.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

“Like”

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Norm Friedman

5684115572_55bc83414f_z-2

We have several reasons to beware of the word “like.” Let’s see why.

Like 101

Given the overuse of this word in recent years, it’s obvious we aren’t going to impress anyone with sentences such as this:
The movie was, like, suspenseful, but I wouldn’t say it was, like, scary.

(Although that phrasing might seem characteristic only of teens and young adults, we should recognize that many of us sprinkle in “kind of” and “sort of” in a similarly tentative way. During editing we’re wise to examine each “sort of” or “kind of” to see if that should be changed to a slightly more elegant “a bit,” “somewhat,” or “rather” – or just eliminated. We want to write with conviction, so why write “kind of peeved” or “rather peeved” if the truth is that we are peeved?)

And let’s state for the record – even though the transgression seldom applies to writing – that another “like” abuse is this:
So I’m like, “Watch out!”
And he’s like, “For what?”
And I’m like, “Too late!”
(You can make up your own context for this sophisticated exchange.)

Like 201

When we use “like” as a preposition, we need to make sure any objects of the preposition are in the objective case.
I was surprised the search committee identified someone like him.
We don’t have to be a grammar whiz to get this right because “someone like he” would sound weird.

But as soon as we add a few words, our ear doesn’t help us as much.
I was surprised the search committee identified anyone like he or Harry.
That’s incorrect, of course. We need “him or Harry,” but “he or Harry” doesn’t sound so bad. We need to handle these constructions with care.

Like 401

Now we move to the graduate level. If the words following “like” contain a verb, turning the phrase into a clause, “like” is no longer correct – although this error is important only if you are fastidious about such matters or you are writing more formally. Examples:
Passable: I noticed you reacted like I did.
Correct: I noticed you reacted as I did.

Passable: Cheryl acted like she knew the entire story.
Correct: Cheryl acted as if she knew the entire story.
Correct: Cheryl acted as though she knew the entire story. 

So when our antennae are working, and we realize we were about to use the preposition “like” to connect to a clause, the simple solution is substituting “as,” “as if,” or “as though.”

Years ago, when TV was rife with cigarette commercials, we constantly heard “Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should.” Grammar purists hated the slogan because the verb “should” at the end called for “Winston tastes good, as a cigarette should.” I imagine at least one person at the ad agency knew the slogan was imperfect, but it’s often good business to write the way most people talk.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Common Grammar Errors, Flair & Finesse | Leave a comment

Anniversary Month

Posted on September 3, 2015 by Norm Friedman

2884239267_11e9349143_z

Yep. If you are one of my original subscribers, you have now been receiving posts for a full year. And if you joined the party late, entries you missed are waiting for you in “Archives.”

So let’s mark the one-year anniversary with a single sentence that includes several points we’ve covered and some new ones. Identify all the changes you’d make to refine the following:

I only interupted for the purpose of explaining that Tess’s idea – though it sounded promising – had been tried for a period of time once before with negative results.

Picky, picky

Please pardon me while I squeeze the heck out of our sentence.

  1. Only. We’ve noted that we tend to put only in front of verbs, but it often is modifying something else. In this case it should connect directly to the reason we interrupted. We’ll move only in a moment.
  2. Interupted. Misspelled. But we have our spellchecking device turned on to lend a hand. Right?
  3. For the purpose of. This can generally be expressed in one word: to.
  4. Tess’s. Did you delete the s after the apostrophe? Did you leave it in? You win either way. Either style (Tess’ or Tess’s) is correct, so we just need to pick a style and stick with it for consistency. (I leave in the s because we hear an extra syllable, but you don’t need to do what I do. Many publications don’t.)
  5. The hyphens. They should be en dashes with a space on either side (idea – though) or em dashes with no spaces (idea––though). Again, pick your style. (Note that in this font em dashes look like two closely connected en dashes, but in most fonts the line is intact.)
  6. Period of time. This phrase belongs in the hall of fame for fat phrases. Using just period or time does the job. (And one could make the case that once before is weak and should be replaced by something specific like a year ago or in 2011, but let’s not go too crazy.)
  7. Negative results. This is fine grammatically, but it’s vague. What was the negative result? No increase in sales leads? No drop in turnover? A drain on staff time?

After all the diagnosis and surgery, then, we should wind up with something like this:
I interrupted only to explain that Tess’s idea – though it sounded promising – had been tried two years ago with no drop in turnover.

In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.

Posted in Brevity, Common Grammar Errors, Common Punctuation Errors | Leave a comment