Let’s do some ghostbusting today and identify common email failings that can spook our readers. Identify lack of courtesy or efficiency in the following exchange.
Hazel Witch Today at 9:26 AM
To: Frank N. Stein
Sales
You said you’d get me September sales figures by yesterday. I need them ASAP!
Frank N. Stein Today at 9:37 AM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
Hi, Hazel. I had everything I needed yesterday except Igor’s figures for Ohio. You can start with the attached numbers, and I’ll fill in the blanks as soon as I track him down.
Frank
Frank N. Stein Today at 11:47 AM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
Hi again. Igor’s numbers are attached, but he said they’re approximate.
Hazel Witch Today at 2:52 PM
To: Frank N. Stein
Re: Sales
I went with the approximate numbers. Thanks.
Frank N. Stein Today at 2:54 PM
To: Hazel Witch
Re: Sales
No problem.
We can do better
I think we’d all rather work with Frank than Hazel, but let’s analyze how each did.
Sales
You said you’d get me September sales figures by yesterday. I need them ASAP!
1. Hazel’s subject line is lazy. She and Frank probably communicate about sales all the time, so a more pointed subject line would be helpful. Maybe “Still looking for Sept. data.”
2. She did not greet Frank with “Hi” or “Good morning.”
3. She opened with heavy artillery, referring to Frank’s original promise, which he is likely well aware of. Focusing on her expectation for today would be more constructive.
4. We need to use “ASAP” (especially with an exclamation point) with discretion – or not at all. It can sound overly demanding, and it’s not specific. Maybe “Please get me the stats by noon.”
5. Hazel didn’t sign her email, adding to the curtness.
Hi, Hazel. I had everything I needed yesterday except Igor’s figures for Ohio. You can start with the attached numbers, and I’ll fill in the blanks as soon as I track him down.
1. Frank is more pleasant and professional, but he might have volunteered that yesterday he should have sent whatever he had.
2. Mentioning Igor by name might be entirely appropriate or inappropriate, depending on the relationships. We need to think twice about identifying the cause of a delay.
(3. Hazel never bothered to acknowledge this email.)
Hi again. Igor’s numbers are attached, but he said they’re approximate.
Frank should let Hazel know if and when he’ll get Igor’s precise numbers. Hazel needs to know how to proceed.
I went with the approximate numbers. Thanks.
At least Hazel finally showed some etiquette with “Thanks,” but she needs to sum up. Does she still want Igor’s figures? If so, by when?
No problem.
Drum roll, please. Frank, the good guy in this two-character play, knee-jerked his final email with a ludicrous response. “No problem”? Really? It would seem he encountered plenty of problems. So we have two lessons here:
1. The courteous reply to “Thanks” is “You’re welcome.” (Reserve “No problem” for its literal use, such as when you do someone a favor but performing the task was no big deal.)
2. Rather than knee-jerk “You’re welcome” or “No problem,” consider whether you should say something more germane to the situation. Frank could have written, “I hope you met your objectives despite the delay.”
Sneak preview
Next week, we’ll talk more about subject lines.
In addition to presenting workshops on writing in the workplace, Norm Friedman is a writer, editor, and writing coach. His 100+ Instant Writing Tips is a brief “non-textbook” to help individuals overcome common writing errors and write with more finesse and impact. Learn more at http://www.normfriedman.com/index.shtml.